rbouyounes.com: I say it’s because I don’t have anything to write about

And it’s true. I don’t have much to tell you so posts come very seldom. Saw friends tonight—I’ve told you about Johanna here before (which, mind you, every single word in that post still stands true), but the other, Sara, don’t think I’ve told you about her before, maybe indirectly. I’m too lazy to check in all honesty. But anyway, here’s the thing—we used to be really good friends, the three of us. Like everything was about us, always together, always hanging. And I cannot pinpoint where that stopped. Somewhere between first and second year university we all sort of did our own thing. Johanna went to Waterloo & Sara got married & had a baby—and I…well I did nothing remotely different with my life except seclude and pull away from everyone and everything that meant high school to me. They were shoved into the sidelines by default. I kept Johanna around, kept talking to her and going out with her. And so, I fully admit to abandoning Sara. I do. I wont deny it. I convinced myself that she didn’t want to be my friend. She had other friends, friends with babies (this sounds so ridiculous as I try to put it into words). And so a large part of me just thought she was happier with them. And when I didn’t know about the baby, didn’t know about the wedding, didn’t know about her life—I pulled away. I stopped trying. Gave up. I convinced myself that if she wanted me in her life she would have me in her life. Simple as that. The day that your best friend of five (or more) years gets married and doesn’t invite you [rather even let you know about it] is the day that you give up. Please bear with me as I rant for a moment—you see this wasn’t just any wedding. Not just any couple. See, these two (the groom I’ve known since I was 10 by the way)—this was Sara & Matt. Sara & Matt who I pushed together, who I watched break up and get back together fifty times, who I told they’d end up together no matter what they went through. Sara & Matt who I defended to no end after the seventh break up and everyone thought they should just stay broken up. Sara & Matt. I rooted for those guys. I was their biggest fan. From the very beginning. We talked about their wedding since we were thirteen. And I wasn’t there. I didn’t even know it was happening until I saw it on Facebook. NOW STOP what you’re thinking, the blame isn’t on her. No. Because it’s on me too. I didn’t try, not ever. But if I had to choose, if I really had to narrow it down, that would be when things changed for me. Until then I always hoped we could just pick up where we left off, but then we continued to grow further and further apart until the kids we used to be just disappeared.

So, four years later, after random conversations and meetings with one or the other we decided to get the trio together again. I don’t know why, but Johanna initiated it (she’s brave like that), I’ll be the first to admit that I would have continued on the same path, leaving the past in the exact same area of my subconscious that I had buried it into. Dinner was fine though. I walked into it expecting awkward pauses and forced conversation. Maybe it was just me who felt the “tension,” (but not tension really), just like there were things that weren’t being said out loud. Hence the previous paragraph.

My point is this: Old friends don’t have to stay that way, not if you don’t want them to. It’s okay to call someone you used to know and tell them you want to hang out. It’s okay to say I fucked up and I liked having you in my life. It’s the saddest thing when best friends become strangers, and it happens way more often then I’d ever like to see.