I Just Need to Do It

I need to lose weight.

God.

There.

I Said It.

Now I didn’t just say it, I’ve put it in writing. On the blog. My keeper of all things sacred. I know that this is what is holding me back. I know it because it’s the root of everything that bothers me—both about myself and my life and my world, and argh, everything. I’ve started this post a thousand times. And deleted it a thousand times. I cannot care anymore. I cannot care because I need to stop worrying so damn much about what everyone else thinks, and instead about what I think. Just me. So there. I need to lose weight. I think that putting it in writing, for public scrutiny, makes it more concrete. This way, when I fuck up, I’m not just failing me, I’m failing my words. I’m failing my blog. Failing you. It’s easy to fail yourself. You makes excuses in your mind and rationalize everything that you’ve done wrong. And within moments it all makes sense and you’re no longer the bad guy. It’s harder to fail others though. Because someone else will call you out on your bullshit. Someone else will know when you’re lying. But you, yourself, are immune to your lies. So here it is. My public declaration. This is what will make me do this.

Blog, I’m so glad we had this talk. I can be so much more open with you now. I need to get myself into a mental state of mind where I can do this. I lost 25lbs when I dieted last year. I know I can do it, the evidence is there. But it is just so much more exhausting to take care of yourself than just to not care completely. I want to be that story. I want to be that girl that lost a hundred pounds, and not with surgery or medical assistance, just by fucking doing it. Because I can. I know I can. I’m just…lazy. And I give up way to easily when things do not happen instantly. I returned a guitar because I didn’t learn to play it after two days. I do these things. I try something, fail once and never return to it. That’s what I do.  But I neeeeeed to do this. It has in some way hindered every single aspect of my life, and I will never be able to go out and do all of these things that exist only in my mind if I cannot control the one thing I have complete control over: my body. No one can control anything in the way you control your own body. You are the only director of it, you decide exactly how you want to to look, what you want it to do. Who can say that? Who can say that they are in entire, limitless control of something? No one. I control my body, only me. I have control over nothing except it. I need to find that control and convert it into a method of healthy living. I don’t want to be a size zero. I will never be a size zero. I am fine with that. But I cannot be who I am in what I am. My mind does not match my body, the two will never be friends, I cannot make them mend.

Now that it’s out there, now that I’ve said it—do me a favour, leave it alone. Let this blog be the only mention you ever hear about this. Because I will never be comfortable talking to anyone about it, I will never be able to say everything I need to say if I know you’ll call/text/msg and ask about a post. I’m letting you in on secrets that exist solely in my mind of minds, in a cavity that on most days does not exist, let that be enough. I don’t care if you read this, I’ve clearly placed it here for a reason, I just don’t want to know that you have. Capische? Comprende? G’night.