Things I didn’t say

What actually happened:
You need to envision this with a strong Chinese accent, or the hilarity loses effect.

Customer: we buy mirra prom Von. It breaky. I bring he’
Myself: I’m sorry?
Customer: mirra. Breaky. I need new one.
(After looking at the mirror)
Myself: Okay I don’t have this one here. But I can call another store to find one there and you exchange it there.
Customer: you ha’ one?
Myself: No, I don’t have this here.
Customer: you ge’ one?
Myself: No. I can find one at another store.
Customer: you bring he’?
Myself: No. You need to pick it up there.
Customer: Oh. Isss heavy.
Myself: Okay I understand, but you can’t leave this here and pick it up somewhere else. It will ruin my inventory.
Customer: wha?
Myself: You need to exchange this somewhere else. So you have to have this piece with you, a store cannot just give you a mirror. You have to give them this damaged one, and they will give you a new one.

*this conversation went on for a half hour, this exact same conversation, back and forth. She & her husband would not understand anything I was saying.

And so,
what I should have said:

Leave the mirror here, take this piece that broke off, go home, and cut open your throat with it.
H’okay? Hank you.