The things I didn’t say

I didn’t say I loved you. I didn’t say I cared. I didn’t say that my heart of hearts really did wish you were there. I didn’t say I’m sorry, I didn’t tell you it wasn’t fair, instead I watched them take you somewhere when I just couldn’t bear. I didn’t raise my hand, didn’t make a toast, didn’t do much of anything, nothing worth a boast. I didn’t have your back. I didn’t think that you had mine. And all this time, in all these years, I told myself it was fine. I didn’t know your story, I didn’t think it was true, I didn’t realise until just now, all along it was really you. I didn’t take you with me, I didn’t even try, and when I shut the door that night I didn’t think I’d cry. It wasn’t supposed to happen. Things do not ever end this way. This could have been a movie, the story I’m trying to tell, except it’s all these things kept silent that are dragging me straight to hell. I know now what I should have then. I know that it’s come too late. But my mouth inhales and lips are wide but words have run away. I wait for them to find their path, to come back and straight into your ears, instead they’re lost, they’re all alone, they’re the things I didn’t say. The things I kept real deep inside. The things I tried, I had to hide. The things that yelled, and screamed and cried, the things I didn’t say. And here I stray, I stay, I lay, I hear these things again. They whisper words of solace now, the silence sounds okay. The silence grows and lows and grows and chases words away. And there I am, alone again, with the things I did not say. But I will listen, use your words, my ears they are awake. You tell me once, tell me twice, the things that you must say. I will smile, I will nod, I will take these things to grave. And when you beg, when you plead, I think my heart will cave. And it will tell you all the things, the things I did not say. It will tell you stories and dreams of words I tucked away. It will say that it was me. It was never you this time. And when you asked to take me home, I went the other way. It will say that after all these years I do still see your face, both in my dreams and on the streets and on our wedding day. And when the alphabet is all sung out and the words have found their home, I will return to solace then, return to me alone. And in my mind of silent minds and beating hearts astray, I will sit down and hold the hands of the words I could not say.