I’m starting a new segment

Honestly, you should just call me Oprah. Or Ellen. Ellen has so many segments. So here it is. After the last melodramatic “things I didn’t say” post, I realized there are way too many things that I hold back, things that I should say, want to say, and I don’t. So although I may not say these things to your face (initially or ever), I will say them here. I wont address you, no, because I’m not that much of a bitch. But if any of these things sound familiar, chances are my ‘woulda coulda shoulda’ said sentence is just for you. It will go on forever, I’ll add a link to the posts in the sidebar. HAVE YOU NOTICED MY SIDEBAR by the way? I added a “learn someone new every day” tab also, so go nuts over there! So here we go—day one of the Things I didn’t Say. I feel like I should have some sitcom music or crazy graphics come on right now.

Actual Event:
customer: Can I get this in a cream?
myself: No,I’m sorry, it only comes in grey.
customer: Oh, but I need it in cream.
myself: Well why don’t you have a look at some of these fabric swatches and I’ll see if we can have it specially reupholstered for you.

what I should have said:
Well why don’t you have a look at some of these fabric swatches, I’ll go change into my little Chinese boy clothes and sit in a darkly lit room and make you a new one for ten cents a day? Would that be more to your liking? And when I’m finished, please do not tire yourself, even though I do not have access to a vehicle I will walk it to your home. Oh you live in Milton? Please, don’t worry, I need the exercise.

Actual Event:
Person: Oh, I yes I know the colour Muslin, by Benjamin Moore.
Myself: oh wow, that’s so great!

what I should have said:
Go. Fuck. Yourself. And Benjamin Moore.

Actual Event:
student: hey, can you send me last week’s lecture notes?
me: will do when I get home.

what I should have said:
Yeah, for sure. Why don’t you just never come to class, I’ll send you the notes every week. Fuck it, just fwd me your student number & I’ll put it next to mine on all the assignment. Great.

*Looking back, I don’t know if this segment is such a good idea. I have a feeling each segment will contain heavy sarcasm and revolve strictly around annoying customer and an annoying workplace. This should be fantastic. I can hardly wait.